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The Hoogenboezem Files

The Hoogenboezem Files

Published on 23 Jan 2025

It has been three years since we last heard of them, but the people at Hoogenboezem-Fisher have not been idle. The global PR consultancy has been busy managing the reputations of corporations and dictators.

And now – following a leak of confidential emails from its Brussels office – ChemSec can reveal that Hoogenboezem-Fisher is the lobbying firm spearheading the chemical industry’s ongoing PFAS propaganda. We believe it is in the public interest that we publish these emails. Each month, we will release a new set of leaked correspondence.

What follows are the unfiltered, unedited emails from John Hoogenboezem Jr. (pictured above), head of the company’s Brussels office.

Part 1: The ACME contract

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: allstaff@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 09:00
Subject: BIG NEWS for Hoogenboezem-Fisher!!!!

Dear colleagues,

2025 has got off to a flying start for Hoogenboezem-Fisher: we have won the contract with the Association of Chemical Manufacturers in Europe (ACME)!!!! 

This means the redundancies we announced before Christmas can be reversed. Luigi, Emma, Sofia and Hugo, you are welcome back. I hope the news about losing your jobs didn’t stop you having a wonderful festive period.

“The Association of Chemical What??” I hear you say. Yes, I know, nobody has ever heard of ACME, which sounds as dull as Love Island for Mormons. When I hear the word “chemicals”, I need a slap in the face to stay awake. Chemistry is for spotty nerds with no personal hygiene. 

But that’s why the spotty nerds have come to Hoogenboezem-Fisher – to give them a MAKEOVER, to make them fun, to make them SEXY!! And they will pay us millions to do so!! ACME represents thousands of companies in Europe and they are swimming in cash.

Of course, I know absolutely nothing about chemistry. But knowing nothing has never stopped us from doing brilliant PR. Indeed, it means we bring a fresh perspective because we are not restricted by the facts. 

2025 is going to be an exciting journey for us all. Welcome on board! 

John

– – 

John Hoogenboezem, Jr.
Belgium Head of Operations, 
Hoogenboezem-Fisher Public Relations,
Rue de Luxembourg 81,
1000 Brussels

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: michelle.bonamour@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 09:02
Subject: Business lunch

Michelle, ma belle, could you be a darling and book me and Graham a table for lunch at Comme Chez Soi? The contract with ACME is a game-changer. Our strategic business discussions will continue for most of the afternoon, so please cancel anything in my diary. 

Oh, and right now a tall skinny latte would really hit the spot. You’re an angel! 

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: graham.bender@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 09:03
Subject: Liquid lunch

Grazza, we have to celebrate. See you at Comme Chez? I have cleared my desk so we can mount a serious attack on their wine cellar. 

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: luigi_mandarini@hotmail.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 09:45
Subject: Re: FW: BIG NEWS for Hoogenboezem-Fisher!!!!

Dear Luigi, 

I am sorry you feel so strongly. Hoogenboezem-Fisher has always had your best interests at heart, right up until the day before Christmas when we had to let you go. 

Best of luck with your future opportunities,

John

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: geert.kirtdurk@acme.org
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 10:15
Subject: Looking forward to working together!

Dear Kurt,

I am honoured that ACME has picked Hoogenboezem-Fisher to run your public relations going forward. 

It is good to hear that our reputation management for East European dictators is so appreciated. I imagine there are many other aspects of our work that made us stand out from the PR crowd, not least our success in rebranding the lobbying industry itself as “strategic communications”. 

Chemicals are a new area for us. Unless you include our campaign for Ultra-Clutch hairspray, which contains some powerful stuff (we use it to stick down the carpet in the office). But our slogan “What makes a man reach out and touch? Ultra-Clutch!” was a huge success. And in the courts we successfully fought the allegations of encouraging sexual harassment. 

Let’s meet again as soon as possible. Can I suggest Comme Chez Soi? They have a rather good wine cellar, and a great desert trolley. 

All my very bestest,

– – 

John Hoogenboezem, Jr.
Belgium Head of Operations, 
Hoogenboezem-Fisher Public Relations,
Rue de Luxembourg 81,
1000 Brussels

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: jemima.hoogenboezem@gmail.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 10:47
Subject: Re: Ben’s birthday

Darling of course I can pop into Cuisine Naturelle on my way home and pick up a ceramic non-stick frying pan and some wooden kitchen utensils for Ben. But should we really encourage him? The boy can barely boil an egg, so I have no idea why he needs to throw out all the plastics from his kitchen, the main danger from which is cockroach infestation, if you ask me. And in any case, where is the plastic in a frying pan??

P.S. We won that big chemicals account I was telling you about! Bound to mean promotion at last for yours truly. You did chemistry at high school, maybe I should hire you ha ha!

Love you always xxx

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: ben.hoogenboezem@gmail.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 11.30
Subject: Re: Your birthday

Benji, how’s it hanging with my main man!!! Dude, your mum has asked me to get something for your birthday. Without giving away any secrets, it is kitchen related. I just wanted to check: you okay with that? Wouldn’t you rather have the new World of Warcraft? Or a boombox? Or at least some soap lolz! Only kidding!!

Keep it real 😎

Big Daddio

From: john.hoogenboezem.jr@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
To: michelle.bonamour@hoogenboezem-fisher.com
Date: 6 Jan 2025, 11:43
Subject: Quickie

Ma chère, could you Google that peafuzz nonsense that Dirk from ACME was banging on about at our last meeting? Clearly peafuzz is a big priority for them, so I need to get my head around it.

And could you set up some appointments with my personal trainer? My six-pack won’t look after itself! It’s salad for me at lunch again, as usual!!

Don’t miss the next set of leaked emails!

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